A ma 25 éves Suzie Larson még csak 13 éves volt, mikor egy családtagja meg akarta erőszakolni, majd az elkövetkező hat évben három embernek sikerült is.
A családtag közeledését nem mondta el a rokonainak, mert félt, amiatt szétszakadt volna a családja, de ma már úgy gondolja, ez hiba volt. Egy évvel később egy teherautóban kényszerítette orális szexre egy férfi. Aztán ennek a férfinek egy barátja erőszakolta meg, és azt mondta Suzie-nak, „nem érdekel senkit, mit akarsz”. Nagyon félt a lány és elkezdte utálni önmagát.
Doing yoga in my underwear. No makeup. Just me and my body, getting to know each other. . I used to be afraid to do yoga in a sports bra. My ED brain panicked every time I inhaled and saw my abdomen swell. . Was this irrational? Yes. I didnât just gain weight, because I inhaled. It is called breathing! But my mind can get so wrapped up in body dysmorphia that it loses all connections to reality. Then it canât be reasoned with. . That is where the shame comes in. The fear, Iâm âtoo big.â The worry of a woman who HAS to eat when her brain tells her she canât. . It is hard. I still struggle daily with body image and thoughts and behaviors linked to my anorexia. That is why I have to slowly, gently show myself, it is alright to look the way I do. . That it is okay to have a body that is exactly where mine is in this exact moment. That my BODY isnât the problem, my disorder is. So I hug myself. I buy clothes that fit and that I love. I give myself treats and talk to myself afterwards about how it is okay to have dessert because food doesnât have a morality. All food is good food. . Why? Because Iâm having to literally UNLEARN my immense fear of food. This fear has ruled me for almost a decade. It gives me chronic anxiety. It is rough and I wouldnât wish it on anyone. . I chose to do yoga in my bare skin so that I could learn to appreciate all the many ways it bends and folds. . I wanted to bond with my body. Reaching towards a more whole and complete identity of myself. . It was scary at first but then I enjoyed it. If you are able, or do yoga at home, I would definitely recommend doing it in your underwear, or even nude, if you prefer. Our bodies arenât shameful. They are quite beautiful actually. . Any activity you do, can be an opportunity to turn inward and really feel your physicality. Your strength. Your perseverance. Your softness. Or whatever you choose to focus on. Finding joy in movement has been a slow process for me, because I used to have an exercise addiction, but now I strive to find balance. If my body is hurting, I rest; but if I am restless, I move. I urge you to find ways to move that make you happy or bring you peace. ð¦#recovery
Suzie (@suziethesurvivor) által megosztott bejegyzés, Dec 16., 2017, idÅpont: 5:57 (PST idÅzóna szerint)
15 éves korára már étkezési zavarai voltak és az öngyilkosság is felvetődött benne, depresszióval küzdött. Az evészavar miatt elkezdett kihullani a haja, kitörni a fogai, idegfájdalmai voltak, komoly migrénre panaszkodott. Nagy, bő ruhákat hordott, utálta a testét. „Meg akartam halni azért, amit velem tettek, a dolgokat, amik miatt értéktelennek, olcsónak és mocskosnak éreztem magam” – nyilatkozta Suzie.
Learning so much from so many incredibly gifted, intelligent, and talented women. I am thankful for their openness, their constant vigilance in speaking out against oppression, and their willingness to educate others, although the responsibility lies on each one of us to seek out knowledge, question the truths that surround us, and lift up the voices of those who live in marginalized communities and lack adequate representation. Allyship relies heavily on accountability, uncomfortability, and remaining quiet so that those who need to share their stories, concerns, and injustices, may speak for THEMSELVES. I continue to be in amazement daily by the strong, beautiful, resilient WOC, fat women, trans women, and disabled women, Iâve had the privilege of meeting and interacting with. They are changing my world daily. I will tag a few below. I greatly encourage you to check out their accounts. They are each wonderful, amazing people, making this world a better place. ð¦ @sassy_latte @chubbybabe_ @myssematch @amyeloisew @saucyewest @chooselifewarrior @voluptuousleah @biggalyoga @makepeacewithfat @goofy_ginger @curvesbecomeher @gracefvictory @franhayden @yourstruelymelly @sitting_pretty @jilly_peppa @simonemariposa @watchshayslay @roscoeramone
Suzie (@suziethesurvivor) által megosztott bejegyzés, Nov 27., 2017, idÅpont: 3:03 (PST idÅzóna szerint)
2014-ben aztán összeházasodott a barátjával, Samuellel, aki nagyon figyelmes volt vele, és akinek a segítségével elkezdett felépülni. A haját is levágatta, és azóta jó pár kilót sikerült visszaszereznie magára.
Iâve always said others are strong, it is easier to see strength when it is outside of myself. I build people up because I know what it means to be broken down. Stripped of your might. Pushed further down into the water, when you already couldnât breathe. Choking on tears instead of inhaling oxygen. I believe people because I understand the need to be validated. The yearning to have someone look into your soul and agree yes, you are worthy of living, and your story is worth hearing. It can be the thing that crushes you. Trusting someone with the most vulnerable parts of you just to have them crush your very life into powder, or crunch it flat, the equivalent of a recycled can. What happens when you whisper the darkest words you could possibly utter. When you breathe out, the pain youâve been caused, the abuse youâve suffered, and the other person refuses to listen, or worse, tells you that your truth is wrong. I thought I might stop breathing but I didnât. I would be invalidated many, many times. I would doubt my sanity. I would contemplate suicide. And I would ... never tell another person, survivor, that they didnât know their own story. I speak because it heals. But I reach out to others because I know just how cruel this world can be. I see things in others more easily than in myself but Iâm realizing that I have my own magic. I have empathy that runs deeper than most peopleâs bloodstreams. I live in my vulnerability, and it has taken a lot of courage to overcome the fear stemming from that. I am intuitive, creative, and I have learned to adapt well to most situations. My abuse tore at my self-esteem and made me feel hopeless. It did this by feeding me negative messages everyday for years that I then began to repeat on my own. It has taken a long time to pull those messages apart, recognize them as false, and replace them with positive ones. Changing the results of emotional abuse doesnât happen overnight. But it can happen. If you are patient. If you realize that those messages were planted by people who sought to control you. Professional help can speed the process up. No matter what though, healing your mind, just like healing the body, takes time. ð¦
Suzie (@suziethesurvivor) által megosztott bejegyzés, Jan 7., 2018, idÅpont: 5:35 (PST idÅzóna szerint)
A felépülését manapság úgy ünnepli, hogy meztelen vagy alig ruhás képeket posztol az Instagram-oldalára : „A testemet megmutatni, függetlenül attól, hogy meztelen vagyok vagy ruhában, felszabadít a fájdalom és a szégyen alól. Hiszek abban, hogy a nők megérdemlik, hogy értékesnek, szépnek és szeretettnek érezzék magukat. Mindegy, mi a méretük, megérdemled, hogy úgy szeresd a tested, amilyen. A kis tökéletlenségeink elfogadása olyan valami, ami miatt igazán különlegesek leszünk. Azt gondolom, hogy a nők erősebbek, mint gondoljuk.”
(Mirror )
